My number 1 core value is vulnerability & leading with an open heart. We all have a unique and beautiful story and today I'm so honoured to be sharing with you mine. I'm so grateful for my past as it lead me to helping hundreds of women reignite their spark, just as I have. 

It’s around 9pm on an incredibly hot summer’s night in Brisbane in late 2018. I’m crawling into bed with my partner after a chaotic day at work when this wave of guilt and anxiety comes crashing onto me like a ton of bricks. My heart starts rapidly beating as I lie there and start counting back the days since we last had sex. My stomach sinks when I realize it’s been 8. This isn’t the first time I’ve had these thoughts, in fact I do these calculations most nights. Not because he puts any pressure on me but I feel like society has ingrained this belief deep within me that a healthy relationship is one with a lot of sex.

I really wish I could be one of those girls with a high libido and intense sex drive. But when I come to even think about sex I just freeze up. I mean, why bother? It’s not like I feel anything anyways? Sex has never been pleasurable (with anyone) and I usually just end up frustrated that I can never orgasm. It just reminds me of how broken I feel.

If I’m being honest with myself, my sex life is really just the tip of the iceberg. In every area of my life, it somehow feels hollow and numb. Physically it feels like I resemble somewhat of a Cadbury easter bunny, a fragile visually appealing exterior with nothing but emptiness inside. Being numb is all I’ve ever known. Numbness has been my saviour from the intensity of my pain. It's my teddy bear, my night light, my comfort blanket that I use to shield myself from the world. 

It’s funny, my life from the outside looks quite beautiful. I’ve just come home after traveling Europe with the love of my life for 6 months. I have my dream wedding planning job, a career I’ve wanted since I was 7 years old. I’m surrounded by beautiful friends and family who love me. But no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. I never feel whole. I know I don’t want to feel this way any longer, but I really don’t know where to begin. 

One day I’m going through my usual morning routine full of panic, anxiety & tears getting ready to go to a job that sucks the living soul out of me. I’m walking out the door choosing a podcast to escape my reality during my daily commute. I’m listening to “The Lively Show” and today’s special guest is a woman named Marisa Peer. It turns out Marissa created her own hybrid method of hypnotherapy (Rapid Transformational Therapy) and this whole episode leaves me riddled with goosebumps. The type of goosebumps that make you feel like god is trying to give you some sort of message. I had never tried hypnotherapy, hell I hadn’t even tried THERAPY before! But by the time I got to work, I had my first RTT session booked. 

2 weeks go by and finally it’s time for my appointment. I’m nervous. The practitioner asked me to select a focus point for the session, and I chose to investigate the reason why I was so numb, why I couldn’t orgasm. When it seemed to come so naturally for everyone else, I wanted to know why I was so broken. All I wanted was to make sweet love to my man, but it felt like there was something blocking me.

So from my own conclusions I created a belief that pleasure = pain, that pleasure felt like death. My body was programmed to believe my pleasure and my sexuality could ruin lives and it’s something not to be acted on.

At 3 years old I subconsciously made the promise to myself (and my body) to never feel pleasure again. No wonder why I was having so much struggle in my s*x life!

After the session I felt an immeasurable amount of weight lifted off my shoulders. It was healing on so many levels to finally have this information. But I had this sense that my journey wasn’t over, rather it was just the beginning. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of my life’s work. It was around the same time where I had unintentionally discovered the practice of yoni de armouring through Melissa Ambrosini’s book “Open Wide”. When I read that the yoni keeps trauma internally and creates numbness as a form of protection, I just knew that this was the next breadcrumb on my journey to becoming a multi orgasmic woman. I found a yoni mapping practitioner in my area and booked a session. 

When I arrived at the studio I was taken aback by how beautiful the room was.

There were mirrors everywhere, candles , purple silk draped along the walls, the smell of sage and rose filled the small room. It was dark, warm and safe. In a way it resembled a mothers womb, by just how inviting it was.

  She begins to ask me about some of my first sexual encounters. I cringe as I tell her stories starting from when I was 11 years old. It made me feel so sick to my stomach to recall these moments.

But I tell her about how my step brother would do certain things to me sexually, for most of my early teenage life until he moved out of home. At the time I thought I had consented. But when I really think back to those moments, I was frozen.

What I was actually craving was masculine attention and I learnt very early on that if I offered my body to men, maybe JUST maybe I would be able to receive the masculine love that I so longed for after growing up without a father. I so desperately wanted to be chosen, and sex was how I felt chosen by the masculine. But the yoni is wise, and after a while of me not listening to her and just allowing anyone to enter her, I went numb.

She points out to me that the things that had happened to me as a child with my step brother was a form of sexual abuse. I was so confused by that statement because I thought sexual abuse only happened to you by old men. Not boys only a few years older than you.

Still to this day I struggle to tell the story of exactly what happened to me during the de-armouring massage that day. Energetically it felt like a huge black dense cloud was leaving my yoni. Physically I could hear my body clicking back into alignment with certain pressure points she would touch.

I could actually feel hot, vibrant energy circulating through my whole body, something I had never experienced before. I leave the studio and make my way home back to my man, the love of my life. I tell him everything that happened and he just holds me as we fall asleep together in each other's arms. The next day I had this new found eros pumping through my body. I felt SO alive and we make sweet sweet love. As he enters me, I begin to cry. He wipes my tears and says “what’s wrong?”. I reply “This is the first time I’ve ever felt you inside of me”. I never knew making love could be so pleasurable, so devotional and full of love. It’s like my soul is back in my body, I can feel for the first time in my life.